About a month ago, one of my teachers at PCPA passed away after a long and arduous battle with cancer.
Before I begin, I should clarify: I have lost a number of people in my life. Death is a part of this life, and I was never shielded from that, even when I was young. I have an established process for dealing with these difficult situations, which usually follows an approximate pattern:
Crying
Talking
Proactivity
Logic
Surprise Breakdown #1
Lethargy
Logic
Funeral/Memorial Service Breakdown
Logic
Life
Surprise breakdown #2
I acknowledge this process, and it usually serves me well. At no time, excepting a blurb on Twitter or Facebook, do I feel that my words serve me, so they are not part of the process. The initial Talking stage is only in place to get my thoughts out of my brain in order to push me out of Emotionland and launch me into Proactivity and Logic.
I do not write about people who have died. It becomes impossible for words to do justice to my feelings and memories, so I don't even try. I reflect internally, and I'm comfortable with that.
This time is different. I'm not sure why, but I'm going with it.
Patricia Troxel was my faculty advisor, and I was thoroughly intimidated by her. As a first year student, I had little exposure to her; she did not teach any of our classes, and I was not cast in the show she directed that school year. I did myself a massive disservice by using this lack of acquaintance as an excuse to generally steer clear of the fiercely knowledgeable Troxicon (or P-Trox, as our class affectionately called her). It wasn't until I was an understudy for her production of Distracted the following fall that I gave myself the opportunity to get to know her, and began to take advantage of her presence in my academic and professional life.
At the end of the first year, Patricia and Peter Hadres, another valued teacher, sat down with our entire class to start a year-long discussion about life after PCPA. They encouraged us to consider all options, including furthering our education, and to please connect with either of them if we wanted any assistance or advice in determining What Comes Next. When I was on the hunt for monologues to use in audition class during second year, I, at long last, turned to Patricia for help. Over the course of our first half-hour tutorial, Patricia gave me a three-page list of plays and playwrights, both classical and contemporary, that I should look at - for starters. With some of the Shakespearean plays she recommended, she specified individual monologues for my consideration, and coached me on them when I had made my selections.
The floodgates were opened.
To indicate that I sufficiently utilized the grand resource that was Patricia would be a bold-faced lie. However, I met with her on several occasions upon deciding that I wanted to seek further education, something which I had never anticipated and for which I was therefore ill-prepared at best. She advised me on BA and BFA programs to research, and when I got the crazy idea in my head that I might be able to get an MFA without completing my undergrad, she advised me on which programs were likely to consider such nonsense. She was honest about the challenges I would face on either path, but she never harped on them; she never said anything remotely discouraging. Any discovery I needed to make was mine for the making, she simply got me moving. The direction itself was mine to find.
Patricia directed me in my final production as a PCPA student - the Conservatory Showcase production of The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. This project, the culmination of two years of blood, sweat, tears, sore muscles, broken bones, self discovery, ensemble-building, and presentness, is impossible to compare to any other experience in my artistic life, and I will cherish it always.
After graduating from the program, Patricia and I would see each other occasionally, usually in the lobby after a show, but would scarcely find a chance to say hello - she was in high demand in those moments at the theatre, and I didn't want to get in the way.
The last time I spoke to Patricia was, I'm sorry to say, nearly two years ago, on the opening night of Caroline, or Change. I was able to congratulate her on the beautiful production she had helmed, and she suggested that I email her so that we could find time to get together. I agreed, and surrendered her to the adoring masses.
I never sent that email.
After someone is gone, these are the moments that plague me, the moments that sneak up on me and push me to Surprise Breakdown #2, or #3, or #4. I often struggle with mourning, feeling that my grief is somehow unjustified. I did not know Patricia well, nor did I expend any significant energy in an attempt to get to know her separate from being my teacher, advisor, and director. So many people have so much more right to feel her loss so acutely. Who am I to take ownership of someone so separate from myself? Who am I?
But, then, who am I to question my feelings, my instincts, my process? I know better than that.
As I embark on my next educational endeavor, I refuse to feel regretful for the time we did not spend together, and instead, be grateful for the time we did spend, the life lessons I have learned, and the artistic journeys I have taken because of Patricia. I hope to someday be even half the educator and artist that she has been, and will forever ask myself, just before looking it all up in a book -
"What Would Patricia Do?"
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Burn the Bridge, Bet the Store
I'm so pleased with the new look of my blog that I keep wanting to come back here and write things.
Maybe this will become a habit?
Since making my school decision, I have put some things in motion - and begun creatively avoiding others. The same day that I posted my Seattle plans on Facebook, I was contacted by one of my PCPA classmates, Allie. Being a recent graduate of Cornish herself, she had decided to stay in Seattle for awhile, and was looking for a new roommate. I am THRILLED that I definitely won't be apartment hunting all by my lonesome, and I feel very comfortable in the assertion that living with Allie will not suck at all.
However -
Guys, finding a reasonably priced, pet friendly two bedroom apartment in a desirable area of Seattle (even using the term reasonably priced loosely) is a little harder than I thought it was going to be. We've still got some time before we have to nail anything down, and we've both been scouting places daily, but damn.
On the other hand, I have been carefully procrastinating when it comes to:
A) Arranging my financial aid
which entails both calling the Financial Aid Department at Cornish and starting to do heavy research on student loans, and
B) Calling Cornish about my Transfer Credits, and options for fulfilling the boatload of GE that I need to complete.
Now, to be fair, I have a real, full-time, Monday-Friday, 8:30am - 5pm job, which includes a measly half-hour lunch, and that makes iteasy to justify the procrastination difficult to squeeze in a lot of personal phone calls, but there are a lot of questions that need answering in order to plan the next two years of my life, and at some point, I have to stop being lazy about getting the ball rolling.
It is still yet to be seen whether Z and the puppy will be joining me on this adventure, a factor will be almost singularly influenced by Z's ability to find good work in Seattle. As such, Allie and I will be doing our best to find an apartment that can easily and comfortably (if a little cozily - the budget will only stretch so far) fit three, and if magic happens and he finds a job soon enough that we can plan with a three person budget, all the better.
Maybe this will become a habit?
Since making my school decision, I have put some things in motion - and begun creatively avoiding others. The same day that I posted my Seattle plans on Facebook, I was contacted by one of my PCPA classmates, Allie. Being a recent graduate of Cornish herself, she had decided to stay in Seattle for awhile, and was looking for a new roommate. I am THRILLED that I definitely won't be apartment hunting all by my lonesome, and I feel very comfortable in the assertion that living with Allie will not suck at all.
However -
Guys, finding a reasonably priced, pet friendly two bedroom apartment in a desirable area of Seattle (even using the term reasonably priced loosely) is a little harder than I thought it was going to be. We've still got some time before we have to nail anything down, and we've both been scouting places daily, but damn.
On the other hand, I have been carefully procrastinating when it comes to:
A) Arranging my financial aid
which entails both calling the Financial Aid Department at Cornish and starting to do heavy research on student loans, and
B) Calling Cornish about my Transfer Credits, and options for fulfilling the boatload of GE that I need to complete.
Now, to be fair, I have a real, full-time, Monday-Friday, 8:30am - 5pm job, which includes a measly half-hour lunch, and that makes it
It is still yet to be seen whether Z and the puppy will be joining me on this adventure, a factor will be almost singularly influenced by Z's ability to find good work in Seattle. As such, Allie and I will be doing our best to find an apartment that can easily and comfortably (if a little cozily - the budget will only stretch so far) fit three, and if magic happens and he finds a job soon enough that we can plan with a three person budget, all the better.
Friday, May 3, 2013
A Simple Choice, Nothing More
I began a draft months ago.
I was going to talk about the schools I had decided to apply for, and why. I was about three paragraphs in when I decided that I was boring even myself and stopped and walked away and haven't returned to this blog since Christmastime.
All the things that were applicable then have changed. They've PASSED. Facebook and, even moreso, Twitter, have made it so easy to document my existence without too much thought or detail. This is an important exercise for me, because the reigning queen of Too Much Detail mustneeds learn to be straightforward and concise. Seriously. It's good for me. You've all met me; you know.
But that's not what a bloooooooog is for!
Per usual, I will be as long-winded as I damn well please, and if you have a problem with it...well, I assume no one is holding a gun to your head, forcing you to read this (though, what exquisite punishment! Enemies, beware.).
Over the past few months, I have had to begin the harrowing process of organizing my thoughts, my feelings, and my life in general. Z and I adopted a sweet little pooch, I completed my school applications, and we (read: I) have been talking and talking, and talking, and talking about everything that my school choice might affect in our lives. We (I) have talked about the "where", and the "why", and the "for how long"...about priorities, and options, and challenges that we both may be facing over the next couple years. I have lost sleep, and have wasted so many hours just WORRYING about what may or may not happen, in order to ultimately come to a decision.
I wrote up a priority list in my previous post that helped me narrow the hundreds of schools I researched down to only 19:
Good Location
Style of training (Liberal Arts-based versus Convservatory-style)
Affiliations with Professional Companies
American Sign Language/Deaf Studies/Hearing and Deafness minor
Showcase
Study abroad opportunities
This list helped lead me to the 6 schools that I ultimately applied to:
Boston University (Boston, MA)
University of Minnesota - Twin Cities (St. Paul, MN)
University of Hartford (Hartford, CT)
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee (Milwaukee, WI)
Columbia College Chicago (Chicago, IL)
Cornish College of the Arts (Seattle, WA)
I was admitted to four of the six schools, and my approximate Federal Financial Aid package is $2,600 in Pell Grants, and $9,500 in Stafford Loans. Based on the information I was sent by each regarding tuition, cost of living, fees, and scholarships/grants/work study available to me, I was able to compare them more carefully :
University of Hartford
BFA in Acting
4 year commitment
$48,000/year
$10,000/year approximate scholarship and grant allotment
Total Debt: $152,000
UWM
BFA in Musical Theatre
3.5 year commitment (approximate)
$36,000/year out-of-state (first year), $24,000/year in-state (second year on)
$2,900/year approximate grant allotment (their Financial Aid department would not give me an estimated package to assist in my decision making)
Total Potential Debt: $96,400
Columbia College Chicago
BFA in Musical Theatre
3+ year commitment
$42,000/year
$10,000/year approximate scholarship and grant allotment
Total Debt: $96,000
Cornish College of the Arts
BFA in Musical Theatre or Acting
2 year commitment
$40,000/year
$16,500/year approximate scholarship, grant, and work study allotment
Total Debt: $47,000
I found that, when I had to sit down and think about how much debt I was comfortable incurring, my priorities rebalanced, and I found that the following list was more realistically pertinent than the original:
Overall cost
Location
Financial Aid package
Number of credits transferred (as it relates to overall cost)
Responsiveness of faculty and staff to my numerous inquiries
Information available at crunch time
In accordance with my original list, Hartford fulfilled the most requirements of the remaining four options, but I simply couldn't fathom putting myself $150k in the hole BEFORE Grad school, so I checked Connecticut off of the list. I was, however, torn between the other three. I knew that UWM had the potential to be the least expensive option, and they have an ASL program. However, I had to make my tuition deposits to each of the schools by May 1st, and without any idea of what my Financial Aid package was going to look like, I was unable to commit to spending nearly four years at their program. I was absolutely tied to the idea of going to school in Chicago, but upon realizing that the program at Columbia College would take at least a year longer than Cornish, not to mention costing more than twice as much, I simply couldn't justify any other choice.
And so, after nearly three years of researching, organizing, planning, stressing, budgeting, and essaying my ass off, I have committed to spending the next two years of my life in beautiful, cloudy, culturally rich Seattle. I could not be more pleased with my decision (mostly for having finally made one), and I know I have a solid group of friends and family (and those who fall somewhere in the middle) who are ready to welcome me to their city with open arms.
It's on, bitches.
I was going to talk about the schools I had decided to apply for, and why. I was about three paragraphs in when I decided that I was boring even myself and stopped and walked away and haven't returned to this blog since Christmastime.
All the things that were applicable then have changed. They've PASSED. Facebook and, even moreso, Twitter, have made it so easy to document my existence without too much thought or detail. This is an important exercise for me, because the reigning queen of Too Much Detail mustneeds learn to be straightforward and concise. Seriously. It's good for me. You've all met me; you know.
But that's not what a bloooooooog is for!
Per usual, I will be as long-winded as I damn well please, and if you have a problem with it...well, I assume no one is holding a gun to your head, forcing you to read this (though, what exquisite punishment! Enemies, beware.).
Over the past few months, I have had to begin the harrowing process of organizing my thoughts, my feelings, and my life in general. Z and I adopted a sweet little pooch, I completed my school applications, and we (read: I) have been talking and talking, and talking, and talking about everything that my school choice might affect in our lives. We (I) have talked about the "where", and the "why", and the "for how long"...about priorities, and options, and challenges that we both may be facing over the next couple years. I have lost sleep, and have wasted so many hours just WORRYING about what may or may not happen, in order to ultimately come to a decision.
I wrote up a priority list in my previous post that helped me narrow the hundreds of schools I researched down to only 19:
Good Location
Style of training (Liberal Arts-based versus Convservatory-style)
Affiliations with Professional Companies
American Sign Language/Deaf Studies/Hearing and Deafness minor
Showcase
Study abroad opportunities
This list helped lead me to the 6 schools that I ultimately applied to:
Boston University (Boston, MA)
University of Minnesota - Twin Cities (St. Paul, MN)
University of Hartford (Hartford, CT)
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee (Milwaukee, WI)
Columbia College Chicago (Chicago, IL)
Cornish College of the Arts (Seattle, WA)
I was admitted to four of the six schools, and my approximate Federal Financial Aid package is $2,600 in Pell Grants, and $9,500 in Stafford Loans. Based on the information I was sent by each regarding tuition, cost of living, fees, and scholarships/grants/work study available to me, I was able to compare them more carefully :
University of Hartford
BFA in Acting
4 year commitment
$48,000/year
$10,000/year approximate scholarship and grant allotment
Total Debt: $152,000
UWM
BFA in Musical Theatre
3.5 year commitment (approximate)
$36,000/year out-of-state (first year), $24,000/year in-state (second year on)
$2,900/year approximate grant allotment (their Financial Aid department would not give me an estimated package to assist in my decision making)
Total Potential Debt: $96,400
Columbia College Chicago
BFA in Musical Theatre
3+ year commitment
$42,000/year
$10,000/year approximate scholarship and grant allotment
Total Debt: $96,000
Cornish College of the Arts
BFA in Musical Theatre or Acting
2 year commitment
$40,000/year
$16,500/year approximate scholarship, grant, and work study allotment
Total Debt: $47,000
I found that, when I had to sit down and think about how much debt I was comfortable incurring, my priorities rebalanced, and I found that the following list was more realistically pertinent than the original:
Overall cost
Location
Financial Aid package
Number of credits transferred (as it relates to overall cost)
Responsiveness of faculty and staff to my numerous inquiries
Information available at crunch time
In accordance with my original list, Hartford fulfilled the most requirements of the remaining four options, but I simply couldn't fathom putting myself $150k in the hole BEFORE Grad school, so I checked Connecticut off of the list. I was, however, torn between the other three. I knew that UWM had the potential to be the least expensive option, and they have an ASL program. However, I had to make my tuition deposits to each of the schools by May 1st, and without any idea of what my Financial Aid package was going to look like, I was unable to commit to spending nearly four years at their program. I was absolutely tied to the idea of going to school in Chicago, but upon realizing that the program at Columbia College would take at least a year longer than Cornish, not to mention costing more than twice as much, I simply couldn't justify any other choice.
And so, after nearly three years of researching, organizing, planning, stressing, budgeting, and essaying my ass off, I have committed to spending the next two years of my life in beautiful, cloudy, culturally rich Seattle. I could not be more pleased with my decision (mostly for having finally made one), and I know I have a solid group of friends and family (and those who fall somewhere in the middle) who are ready to welcome me to their city with open arms.
It's on, bitches.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)