Friday, June 24, 2011

Crazy

I've figured something out.

I don't like just writing about my day. Anywhere. At any time. I will write about extraordinary things that have happened in my day, but never just about the day itself. In this same vein, I don't like just writing about things I've been doing. When I find myself writing in that capacity, it's because I simply don't have any more interesting things to say or talk about, and that makes me feel boring. When I feel boring, I'm far less inclined to write things, because who the hell wants to read a laundry list of what has and has not been happening in my life? Really, what it comes down to is that, if it's bland enough that I'm never going to feel compelled to re-read it, I know I'm doing something wrong.

So, yes, I am back after six months of blog-silence...because I've been figuring a LOT of somethings out. I feel like I've lived five years in these last six months, with all the planning I've done, all the plans that have fallen through, and all the futures I've toyed with pursuing.

Two weeks ago, I was offered an opportunity to move to New York in five weeks' time. Having just been bitching about my desire to do so, I could see no reason not to, nor could any of the people around me (including my very logical, infinitely supportive, and understandably saddened boyfriend). I could just have quit my job, picked up, worked at Starbucks, and given it a go. The lease was up at the end of October, so I would have had an out after a mere three months if I decided I wasn't up for it. I got excited, and terrified, and went into ultra-planning mode. Everyone kept saying "You're only young once! You won't always be able to just get up and go! You can always come back home again! You never want to be in a position where you find yourself saying "What if I had..."! DO IT! If you don't go, you're not the girl I thought you were!"

I spent some time with the decision, and realized that I'm not the girl that a lot of people thought I was. I'm also not the girl that I used to want to be.

I started hearing a lot of "Well, I guess you did what was right for YOU...", which, in most cases, seems to translate loosely to "You're going to regret this, but it would be rude to just SAY that.". And I understand that perspective on it. I do. Seriously. I understand that a lot of the people closest to me are worried that I'm going to, for the rest of my life, find reasons not to follow through on this part of my dream, because it's EASIER and more COMFORTABLE to just let it fall by the wayside. Frankly, part of me is worried about that, too...and that's why I felt so much pressure from myself to take advantage of this chance, even though I didn't feel 100% right about it. But then, while sitting at my dad's house hashing out the details of the New York option for the thousandth time in 24 hours, my dad's wife, Erin, said the first thing that made me feel calm about it since the idea had first presented itself to me:

"I want this for you. I think you SHOULD experience New York, I think you would love it. But, I think that you underestimate your ability to make things happen for yourself. If you don't go to New York now, that doesn't mean that you won't go to New York. You can do anything. Really. ANYTHING that you want to do. You can absolutely make this happen, but you can do it on YOUR OWN TERMS. New York will still be there in a year, or two years, or whenever you decide to go. It will still be there when you've had time to plan for it, and when you feel ready for it."

If, five years ago, someone had told me that my Stepmother would say the thing that would finally help me feel comfortable making this type of life-altering decision, I probably would have kicked them in the shin and run away with a loud and specific suggestion about exactly where they could shove that radical notion. That said, I'm really glad she was there to say that...because no one else did, and that was rough.

I felt like I was weak for not being SURE that I wanted to take this huge leap, and make this huge move, and completely change my whole plan for the next year. However, with this "You can do it the way you want to do it" revelation, I felt like a functional human being again.

The thing I've realized through all this is that I really needed an abrupt reminder of ALL the things that I want to be part of my future. It's so easy to get caught up in what makes the most sense, what will be the most logical course to take, and that's kind of where my mind has been living recently; How much more education do I need? How am I going to find steady work and still act professionally? How much money am I going to need to be saving in order to be able to buy a house after I finish school and get a job?

This might sound silly, but I have a lot of work to do, and I need time to figure out how many details actually need to BE figured out in the first place, and which ones can just work themselves out, dammit.

I'm sticking to my original plan..just with a couple of added details and concessions:

The last weekend of July, I will be moving back down to Santa Maria, for probably the next year. I didn't get the acting internship at PCPA, but they are planning to bring in 8 guest artists for one of the shows this season, most of whom will track into at least one of the summer shows, and I'll be auditioning for that in July/August. I'll be working a day job, as I am here. I may start at Starbucks, but I'm hoping that once I'm down there, I'll be able to find something comparable to what I'm doing now, with comparable pay.

I will also be in contact with my friends, former teachers, and mentors, and will be doing a lot of training, and seeking a lot of advice and assistance while I'm working hard on my dancing, getting into better physical shape, sending out headshots and resumes, and applying to schools. Based on what fruits come of these endeavors, I will figure out the next step in my career, my training, and my life, and as regards the primary topic of this extremely long post, I will, at this time next year, have a plan set for New York. I can't yet speak to what that plan will be, or when it will be put into action, but that's what this year of figuring things out is really for.

And the figuring things out, and the seeking of support, and the occasional verbal vomit? That's what this blog should be for. I'm comfortable having figured that out.

And that's one something, anyway.

2 comments:

  1. I relate all too well. I want to be in New York...NOW. I watch so many just pick up and do it, and I envy them because I simply cannot. It is not my time, and I want to thank you for posting this because I think I can also take Erin's advice and do it when it is right for me on my own terms. Love you more than words Jess!

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